Sasuke, the Offender
by Nate Grey
Summary: A lighthearted look at a few offenses by Sasuke that even Naruto would be unable to forgive and forget. Contains major character death and misfortune, but you probably knew that. Half-serious predictions for manga's end included.


Note: For the purposes of this story, the reader must be prepared to assume that Sasuke: A) is generally a bad-natured person, unconcerned with redemption, that delights in causing physical or emotional pain to those around him; B) specifically seeks to torment Naruto and/or Sakura, for no other reason than that they are terribly easy targets, in that they repeatedly leave themselves vulnerable to Sasuke, and he both cannot and does not want to resist harming them; and C) is basically, in his heart of hearts, way deep down, a terrible, horrible, awful excuse for a human being. Just how responsible Itachi's numerous attempts to remake him into an avenger were for that is open to debate, but the fact that Sasuke was going to be majorly screwed up one way or another is certainly not. If you can't get on board with that, this story is not for you.

Somewhat More Serious Note: I don't entirely consider this a rant-fic, so much as I do a joking response to various events. Essentially, what follows are several situations Sasuke could have exploited into truly evil events, were he so inclined. But he didn't. Which either means there's still hope for him, or more likely, he didn't want to be accused of spending an extraordinary amount of time thinking of ways to hurt Naruto. I always felt he did that best on the fly, anyway.

* * *

**Sasuke, the Offender**

**A Collection of Naruto Ficlets by**

**Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

* * *

"Ugh," Suigetsu groaned, turning his head away. "She was _really_ old."

Sasuke said nothing, staring down at Tsunade's ruined skull. Upon her death, her body had reverted to its true form. Frankly, he was amazed she'd been able to keep up the genjutsu even after being torn in half. He wasn't sure if that was a testament to her power, or her vanity.

"So, explain this to me again," Suigetsu said. "I know you've got a vendetta against all the Hokage for the corrupt ninja system that blah blah blah betrayal, blah blah blah Itachi, blah blah blah death to all."

Sasuke shot him a warning glare.

"But correct me if I'm wrong, the Third and Fifth Hokage tried to protect you. And this one actually allowed you to live when she had every right to put you into the ground. So what was your beef with her, exactly?"

Sasuke stared at Suigetsu, considering silently. Now that he really thought about it, Tsunade never actually had done anything to him that he felt required vengeance. In fact, she had been the one to restore him to health after he suffered a second defeat at Itachi's hands. True, she had not told Sasuke the truth about Itachi, but there was a chance that she had little or no knowledge of the events surrounding the Uchiha Massacre. And even if she had been aware, he could certainly understand how telling an already unstable genin that his brother was not in fact a mass murderer would not have gone over too well. No, that just wasn't something he would have been able to believe while Itachi was still alive.

"Well?" Suigetsu asked after several long moments.

Sasuke glanced down at Tsunade's corpse, and then looked back at Suigetsu. He said: "Hn." And then: "My bad?"

Suigetsu stared at him. "I think I'm starting to understand why ninety percent of the people you meet want you dead, Sasuke."

"That can't be an accurate estimate," Sasuke protested halfheartedly. "Ninety-eight, at least."

* * *

Suigetsu had a very strong feeling that he was missing something. "She's a Hokage? And why aren't there four of her?"

"She is not," Orochimaru answered, watching curiously as Sasuke slowly circled the newly summoned dead woman, looking her over from every angle.

"But I thought we came here to get answers from the dead Hokage?" Suigetsu asked.

"That can wait," Sasuke said, coming to a stop in front of the woman.

Suigetsu frowned at him. "Actually, since there's a war to end all wars going on, I'm pretty sure it can't wait. I doubt anything can wait anymore."

Sasuke ignored him. "Wake her up," he said to Orochimaru.

Orochimaru glanced at him. "Are you sure? She will not be under your control. And trying to do it later would be incredibly time consuming, and virtually impossible."

"I'll manage. Do it."

With a shrug, Orochimaru pushed a bit more chakra into the jutsu, and the dead woman opened her eyes. She looked at each of them, but did not really react until she looked at Sasuke a second time.

"You... you're... Sasuke-kun?" she whispered.

Sasuke blinked, not having expected that. "You know me?"

"You don't remember. Your mother was my best friend. We wanted our sons to play together."

Sasuke decided he did not care for that way of thinking. "Do you know why I've revived you?"

The woman glanced around again. "You need me to seal something?" she guessed.

"No." Sasuke stepped forward, invading her personal space. "You are going to be my consort. Through you, the Uchiha will live again."

The woman stared at him, thoroughly unimpressed. "You do realize I'm not actually alive right now? I can't give birth to anything. At best I'm undead. Anything that came out of me wouldn't be alive, and if it did move, you would probably be best off stomping on it in a hurry."

"There are ways around that," Orochimaru assured her.

She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I don't suppose my being married, and your mother's age, matters much to you, either?"

"Not at all," Sasuke agreed.

"And I don't guess me being Naruto's mother is a hindrance, either?"

"Actually, that's part of the attraction."

Kushina Uzumaki sighed. "Well, you should know that my heart belongs to Minato. And I suppose you can find some way to control me, but I am pretty resistant to any form of sealing, and most genjutsu will likely fade fairly quickly, so good luck with that. And if, by some miracle, you did manage to get me into bed, the only thing I would do is lie there like the corpse that I'm supposed to be. You'd probably be better off having sex with a dead fish."

Sasuke smirked. "I have reason to believe your eyes wouldn't fall out during, so I'll take my chances."

Kushina shook her head. "I don't want to know how you know that, do I?"

"I know _I_ don't," Suigetsu said in a hurry.

"Give her your cloak, Suigetsu," Sasuke ordered as he and Orochimaru turned and left the room.

Suigetsu thought about complaining that he needed it, as it was his cloak, but decided not to risk it. Kushina thanked him with a nod and slipped the cloak on. Then she murmured something under her breath and brushed a finger against his cheek, and Suigetsu felt warmth spread throughout his body. "How did you do that?" he asked in shock.

Kushina winked at him, revealing a small seal on her fingertip that gradually faded from sight. "We Uzumaki know a thing or two about seals."

Suigetsu glanced at Sasuke and Orochimaru, who were some distance ahead of them. "You're not really going to be his consort?"

"At this point, you have a better shot than he does. And no, but he's welcome to try."

"Really?" Suigetsu asked, and then wondered which statement he was asking about.

"Yes. To both." Kushina grinned at him. "If he needs to discover that I have a hidden seal applied in a certain area, and that anyone without my husband's genetic material who comes in contact with the seal will soon learn how it feels to have a kunai with an exploding tag shoved into their urethra, then so be it."

Suigetsu paled. "You must really hate sex."

"Oh, far from it. The seal can be deactivated temporarily. I'm not _crazy_." She gave him a smile that had a little too much crazy in it for Suigetsu to totally believe her.

* * *

"Sasuke... no," Kakashi whispered, unable to accept the sight before him. "How could you?"

Sasuke withdrew his arm, lightning still crackling around his fist, allowing Sakura's body to fall to the ground. He admired the gaping hole in her back. "Don't act so surprised, Kakashi. The way she chased after me so blindly, you had to know it would end this way. Or did you imagine that you could stop me? If only you were actually an Uchiha, maybe that Mangekyou Sharingan wouldn't be so taxing on you, eh?"

"You don't know what you've done."

"Oh, but I do. I've rid us both of some dead weight."

Kakashi shook his head. "You have no idea who Sakura had become in the time that you were away. She was the Hokage's prize-"

"You're boring me," Sasuke interrupted. "And if you insist on doing that, then at least fight me while you do it."

Kakashi's response was lost in the sound of an overwhelming roar as an enormous shadow fell over them. Both looked up, and saw mutually assured doom in the form of a descending Rasengan, big enough to block out the sun. There was simply no way humanly possible to avoid it, but fortunately, ninja were experts at inventing a rather large gray area as to what passed for human.

Sasuke would likely try to survive by buring a hole in the Rasengan with the black fire of Amaterasu, and then shielding his body with the protective embrace of Susano'o. It would not work: the Rasengan was entirely too large, and Sasuke far too exhausted to maintain both jutsus for as long as he would need to survive. He would likely die somewhere in the center of the Rasengan, but he would still die.

Kakashi's only hope was to somehow transport himself through Kamui, a feat he had never managed and doubted was possible at all, given his current weakened state. He did not blame Naruto's grief-fueled attack: if this ended Sasuke's brand of evil, then it was entirely worth Kakashi dying with him. He was a little surprised that Naruto would also destroy Sakura's body, but then Naruto was likely not thinking clearly.

Hopeless as it was, Kakashi began to focus all of his energy on transporting his entire body. It required intense focus, and even an instant of distraction would cause the jutsu to fail-

A kunai flew past Kakashi's nose, missing it by mere centimeters. Automatically, his eyes tracked it, then flew angrily to Sasuke, who was grinning like a madman as the Rasengan closed in on them.

This was to be expected, Kakashi accepted with a groan. Sasuke had always been a dick.

* * *

It was among the most horrible things Naruto had ever seen.

His beloved Ichiraku Ramen, burned to the ground, with only a single wooden plank surviving the destruction intact. And on that piece of wood, someone had written in bright orange paint, so that it could not possibly be missed, "Sasuke Wuz Here."

Teuchi and Ayame were safe, thank goodness. But the old man had confessed to Naruto that even though he had the money to rebuild, there was no real point. Sasuke had also destroyed their signature ramen recipe, but there was no guarantee that he hadn't copied it first. He would never have to destroy the stand again: he only needed to circulate the recipe to kill Ichiraku Ramen. And from all indications, that was his intent.

"Damn you, Sasuke," Naruto whispered, trembling with fury. "I thought I could save you, but turning on innocent ramen like this... you've gone too far! You're dead to me! DEAD!"

Many miles away, Sasuke lifted his head, slowly slurping the rest of the noodles into his mouth.

"What?" Suigetsu asked, just before tipping back his bowl and swallowing the last of his broth.

"Nothing," Sasuke said smugly, a purely evil smile on his face, and satisfaction rooted deep in his black heart.

* * *

"Well, at least the old man and Ayame nee-chan are safe," Naruto sighed.

"Well, about that," Tsuande said hesitantly. "Ayame isn't exactly in danger, but I don't know about safe. Sasuke took her with him. Against her will, of course, but she's probably under genjutsu."

"That fiend!" Naruto cried. "I'm going to save Ayame nee-chan and beat his face in! But at least the village will still have delicious ramen!"

"Uh, not really," Tsunade continued uncomfortably. "Teuchi is pretty broken up about Ayame. Said all this stress is too much, with his heart condition and all. He's shutting down the stand. _Forever_."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Naruto howled. "DAMN YOU, SASUKE!"

Many miles away, Sasuke lifted his head, slowly slurping the rest of the noodles into his mouth.

"What?" Suigetsu asked, just before tipping back his bowl and swallowing the last of his broth.

"Nothing," Sasuke said smugly, a purely evil smile on his face, and satisfaction rooted deep in his black heart.

Suigetsu shrugged. "Whatever. Only, how's she going to keep making ramen for us when she's pregnant?" he asked, nodding to Ayame, who was preparing the next round with a blank look on her face.

"Wait for it," Sasuke said confidently.

Not quite a half hour later, Sakura charged furiously (and enviously) into the camp, and immediately fell under Sasuke's genjutsu.

"So Ayame will teach the recipe to Sakura, and then one will be pregnant while the other cooks," Suigetsu observed several minutes later. "I gotta say, Sasuke, you're some kind of evil genius."

"I've been told that I have my moments," Sasuke said modestly.

* * *

"SAI, YOU LIAR!" Sakura shouted, grabbing her teammate by the throat and shaking him. "I knew we couldn't trust you! You're here to kill Sasuke! Admit it!"

"I'm actually not, Sakura," Sai protested, holding up both his empty hands to indicate his harmlessness. "I admit that once was my mission, but no longer."

Sakura put him down and beamed at him. "Sai, you mean... my and Naruto's dedication to bringing Sasuke home has warmed your heart, and now you're on our side?"

"No," Sai said flatly. "It's just that the situation has changed, and emergency protocol has been activated. I can't possibly kill Sasuke, now that he has proven to be a viable and rather superior source of new Sharingan."

Sakura frowned at him. "Wait, what are you-?"

A clone of Sai emerged from the hideout, pushing along a shopping cart. In that shopping cart were no less than sixteen children, of varying ages and varying states of dress, all with active, fully matured Sharingan. All with red or black hair.

"Apparently Orochimaru has designated Sasuke to be his new breeder. These are just the test subjects from the first breeding room I found."

"First... _breeding_... room?" Sakura asked weakly, as one of the children latched onto her arm.

"Technically, it was the second breeding room. But Sasuke and that Karin person were going at it like rabbits in the first room, and I thought it would be rude to disturb them."

Sakura was staring at him in horror now. Several children had crowded around her, apparently mistaking her for their mother. A few had latched onto Sai's clone for similar reasons. Sai had wisely used genjutsu to make himself brown-haired. The children paid him no mind.

By the time Naruto caught up to them, Sai's clone had just brought up the kids from the sixth breeding room. Sakura was half-buried in kids by then. The rest had already begun to gather in highly suspicious groups of three or four, and were actively plotting to overthrow and/or destroy the Leaf-nin, their former captors, and possibly each other, just to stay in shape.

"Good news," Sai said to Naruto. "I no longer have any interest in killing Sasuke."

Naruto looked at Sakura, who had already fallen in love with several of the kids. She seemed especially attached to the ones that didn't care for her one bit. "Are you sure you don't have just a little bit of interest left?" Naruto asked Sai, more than a little pleading in his tone.

Sai could not help feeling the slightest bit moved by Naruto's situation. He had suffered enough in his life, after all. "Naruto, perhaps there is something I can do that does not involve killing Sasuke."

Naruto did not seem optimistic. It was clear that Sasuke's death would have meant a great deal to him just then.

"How would you feel if Sakura could never mention Sasuke again?" And with that, Sai stuck out his tongue.

Naruto immediately recoiled, then blinked and stared at the curious black design on Sai's tongue. "What... is that a seal?!"

"No," Sai replied with a smile. "It is the key to your new life, free of Sakura ever talking about Sasuke again. Are you interested?"

Naruto was still not optimistic. But then, he realized, if Sakura was going to spend the rest of her days taking care of Sasuke's kids, at least she wouldn't be able to spend them raving about how said kids were shining examples of Sasuke's vitalty. And sometimes, you had to take a victory anywhere you could.

* * *

Tsunade couldn't bring herself to get rid of the kids. They were innocent, after all, or at least the few who hadn't burned down the Academy after only an hour in Konoha arguably were. She highly doubted it, though. However, she was inclined to at least attempt to reform them into somewhat loyal Uchiha, if there even was such a thing anymore.

Sakura was appointed their guardian. This worked out great: Sasuke and Karin had finally detected Sai's clone during one of his runs back and forth between the breeding rooms, and made a run for it themselves. Naruto had thought about chasing them, but figured anyone who came between Sakura running back to Sasuke was okay in his book, so he argued firmly against Karin being pursued, and firmly for Sakura keeping the kids. Sakura was kept far too busy to worry about whatever Sasuke was doing, because as... troublesome a prankster as Naruto had been as a child, he at least hadn't had a Sharingan to mess with people's heads, or a natural inclination toward Katon jutsu. Frankly, most of Konoha was starting to wonder why they had ever given any Uchiha any sort of praise, because the few they had left made the Uchiha Massacre seem less like a tragedy and more like a stroke of genius.

Naruto was happy, most of the time. Sakura was far too busy to have any relationship with anyone. And really, with the kids running her ragged, she was no longer anywhere near as beautiful as she had once been. Curiously, the kids had been under the impression that biting her was both welcome and encouraged whenever they got hurt, and Sakura was having a hard time convincing them otherwise. Naruto had quickly lost interest, especially with the discovery that someone had brought his mother back from the dead, and then apparently walked off, or so she said. Even stranger, they had also revived Sasuke's mother Mikoto, who had somehow gotten it into her head that Naruto might be into older women who happened to be friends with his mother. Kushina claimed she had nothing to do with neither Mikoto's revival nor this suggestion, but also said she was not opposed to either. She also implied that Mikoto would like at least one child who was not thought of as insane, and since pretty much everyone was sane compared to Sasuke's brood, no one was going to complain if Naruto's kids turned out a little rowdy.

Naruto felt a little weird, at first. Mikoto was Sasuke's mother, after all, and nothing ruined Naruto's thoughts of sex faster than bringing Sasuke's name into the mix. But since Mikoto was nice, pretty, and notably not a jerk, it was rather easy to forget that they were related. Which Naruto did consistently. It got easier with practice, and by the time she started going by Mikoto Uzumaki, most people had forgotten her first marriage entirely. Conveniently, Mikoto had tired of visiting her many grandchildren rather quickly, and now only sent money and fruit baskets instead.

Kushina did not remarry, although Suigetsu had become such a frequent guest in the Uzumaki home that most people assumed they would eventually. Suigetsu resented this and always said he would never marry anyone, but he generally said it less frequently whenever Kushina stole his sword and hid it until he had apologized. Naruto was decidedly not okay with the relationship, but only because he didn't want a half-sibling with weird teeth. But so long as Kushina was happy, and she seemed to be, he kept those thoughts to himself.

Sai got rich selling off all of his untitled paintings. He began to pass himself off as a relationship guru, and made a living telling people how they had wrecked their lives, and how they could fix them. Usually his fixes called for the application of a certain seal, and, it being a ninja village, people were far more likely to accept such solutions. Sai got even richer, married Yakumo Kurama, and together they opened a small art supply shop. They spent the rest of their lives selling paintings exclusively to people they hated, and then laughing themselves silly when the horrible futures that Yakumo painted for them actually happened within hours of the sales. Someome probably should have stopped them, but Tsunade, who was no fool, gave them all the supplies they needed for free, in return for their not targeting unapproved persons.

Sasuke never showed his face in Konoha again, nor did he attack it. Why was open to debate, but it was generally accepted that as restoring his clan had been a major goal of his, he had no real reason to attack any village that housed the next generation of Uchiha. Also, it was a given that he had no intention of looking after any of his kids. He was arguably insane, and possibly evil, but not stupid.

* * *

Endnotes/Rant:

I cannot even begin to express the sheer level of "I told you so!" that exploded in my brain when Sasuke turned on Team 7 yet again. At this point, the best thing I can say about him is that he is the primary example of an Uchiha: powerful, unstable, and excellent at betrayal. Which were all technically true of Itachi as well, despite how much I admire him. I will even go so far as to say that betraying is part of Sasuke's routine. He's turned on everyone that he was ever supposedly loyal to. EVERYONE. It's almost like he has a schedule in his pocket that lets him know when he's due to betray. But I'm not mad at Sasuke for being Sasuke. I'm mad at the idiots who insist on trusting him, making excuses for him, and then look extra foolish when he turns on them again. And if Naruto calls Sasuke his best friend one more time... ugh. Naruto's best friend is SAKURA, and though she's a lousy one half the time, she's never genuinely tried to kill him, and certainly not multiple times. Very important for a friendship, Naruto. Take the hint. Preferably before Sasuke kills you. But at this point I'd be fine with after, too.

So, making a prediction here. Current fight will end in one of the following ways:

1) Sasuke dies, Naruto beats himself up over it, Sakura (and Ino, ugh) cries, but most other people recall that Sasuke was a jerk, and quickly move on.

2) Naruto dies, Sasuke vows to change: repaying debts to society, kids with Sakura, the whole nine. Until that betrayal schedule says different.

3) Sakura intervenes and dies. Sasuke breeds with Karin, who births a loudmouth hyperactive knucklehead daughter with red hair. Sweet, sweet justice.

4) Naruto and Sasuke die, effectively ruining Naruto's life and dreams in one go. Konohamaru becomes Hokage, and spitting on Sasuke's grave becomes the most popular repeat D-rank mission. Tora retires in shame.

5) In the unlikely event that no one dies, Sasuke is magically forgiven yet again, allowing him yet another opportunity to betray everyone again in the future. But I'm sure Kishimoto will put a positive spin on it by ending the series _before_ the betrayal happens. But you know it's coming. It can't _not_ come.


End file.
